Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Watson was Holmes schooled
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*