The happy life.. 馃槉
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HER: I鈥檓 pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If you鈥檙e not happy single you won鈥檛 be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
馃崉 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can鈥檛 answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The world needs to chill out. There鈥檚 no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I鈥檓 probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn鈥檛 yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I鈥檒l be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
What鈥檚 the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target庐. now he’s doing time for doing time
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 馃敟馃寠馃槑馃寠馃敟
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito