Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
You Might Also Like
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*jingles half the way*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”