A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
worst…sale…ever
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.