My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
as is their right
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means