Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me trying to “trust the process”