Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You Might Also Like
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second