It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me linking you to my twitter
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Breaking news:
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”