My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
just having fun
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot