Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.