Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians