the pigeons are already plenty salty
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Good morning
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle