Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.