*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”