the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
You Might Also Like
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Are you ok, human???
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy