Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
the clam before the storm
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing