*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*