I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You Might Also Like
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep