I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Its a hippotatomus
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.