Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.