[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Incredible customer service.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
this is 10/10 content no notes
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.