Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.