*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball