*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!