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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.