I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
blocked.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Well, that should do it
New mindset, who dis?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields