Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Clients after you give them your rates
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.