damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please