A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.