If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.