This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Every photo I’m tagged in
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.