the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.