I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)