I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
😜
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied