Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.