[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.