in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
You Might Also Like
I have never related to a cat more
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew