next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.