A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.