I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
British websites use biscuits.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*