Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
they split up moments later
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.