My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.