First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Finally
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.