once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?