I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Are you ok, human???
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec