You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*