I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Watermelon Boss!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian