ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Oh we’ve met.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!