We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
sigh
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
oh no, steve’s working tonight
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.