Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Saw your ex at the shops
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
don’t we all
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.